The highs... the lows...

So the son, Stan, called and we had a nice chat. Just about general stuff that I was planning to do to the facility, plans etc. He was so nice. I am currently hating how fatalistic I feel about the whole thing.

I feel so stressed and upset about the days earlier happenings (see early day's blog), but I can't let any of those emotions dictate what is happening in the situation. I have to be clear, calm and buisness minded.

Stan told me, "I think you will be surprised at how busy you are right away. You won't have to wait for customers." Which was sweetly reassuring.

I hate Chaos that I cannot control. I hate not being in control. I can deal with, even occassionally enjoy, controlled chaos, as long as I am the one dictating the flow. What I REALLY REALLY I hate is when crazy people who are not pragmatic, not smart and not careful are dictating the flow. This is the lowest depths of hell to me. In fact, if I thought that was actually what Hell was like... and the only way to avoid it was to be the most hard core born again Christian (as long as it was not the intolerant, right wing, gay bashing type)... I would be at church every day.

I am not sure how to come down from the disspointments of the day, even now that things have calmed down and are back on track. I am not sure how to manage the strange dynamic of the Broker and the Landlady? I can't be my typical brutally honest self either... it isn't going to change anything and will just make everyone uncomfortable and possibly tank the deal.

Biting my tongue is painfully difficult, and I am so stressed that my body has begun to ache in strange places. I am not sleeping. As miserable as it all is, I know this is just something I must pass through to get what I want. I am just praying that I don't have a heart attack on my way!

Most days I tell myself, look at how much love and support I am getting; it will all be worth it in the end. Look at my beautiful children and wonderful friends and family and how lucky I am. Most days these things, my reverance and appreciation for these things, is my armor. Today, my heart is like an oil slick spreading over the ocean on an airless, starless night. Black on suffocating black. I feel despondant and weary... and there is no rest, NO rest at all, any time soon.

And I don't have the luxury yet of even contemplating rest. I have to be mentally tough for the next several phases of the process...

1. all of the leg work for planning etc to get my permits to remodel
2. getting thru the work itself while gathering/buying my equipment, applying for all of the additional permits I need specific to the actual address (once I have a lease).
3. All of the pre-prepping of food
4. preparing the space for business
5. coordinating the product testing
6. getting the rest of my merchant stuff set up (mastercard/visa, payroll, etc)
7. Marketing my opening
8. opening itself

9. Then.. you know... running a business.

And I am pooped! Pooped right NOW!

All I can think to myself is... "NUT UP BUTTERCUP!"

LOL... that made me feel better... just seeing that in writing.