Paralyzed with grief...

I know in some ways I am over reacting by taking all of the obstruction personally. I get it, Stan really doesn't like me. He treats me totally differently than he treats the guys... like I am a woman and thus below him in the hierarchy. I am not really here to educate him on the modern view on sexism; I just want to open my restaurant. I have also had the dubious pleasure for most of my life of being very very beloved by 90% of the people I meet... the other 10% hate me with a white hot passion that is normally reserved for Hitler or Pol Pot.

So it hard not to take it personally when he is clearly stalling on purpose. I am not sure what the reasoning is... maybe they are hoping I will give up and they can re-lease the new improved space to someone else for more money? Maybe they are just really tight fisted and hoping if they stall long enough I will finish up the work on my own dime? I wish I knew.

I just know that every day now I am visualizing what failure looks like. To me, to the people who have believed in me and invested in me, to my family and my ability to support them... it is totally terrifying. It is hard to keep going forward right now. I am so angry, so afraid. Yes, lawyers are one option. A long lengthy option that is very expensive. It also would pretty much kill my dream of having my own restaurant any time soon. I can't afford to start over.

I wish they had been honest with me about all of the problems the building had so I could have found another place to lease. I wish they had done the work while the place was empty before I leased it. I wish I wish I wish. If wishes were fishes...

I have to find a way to get things done in a hostile environment; I really don't have a choice. This means stuffing my grief as far down as I can and thinking outside the box. The hostile man that I have been working with is no longer willing to work with me. He said I need to go thru his mom, who is clearly not the organizer for the work on the shop and is not a native english speaker, and thus very difficult to understand. I am so upset and emotionally invested that I am having a hard time talking about stuff rationally and calmly. The other problem is they clearly do not see women as "the boss" and don't feel they have to treat me like one.

So, for the sexism issue, I have two men in my life who are willing to be the point of contact, David and Brion. I hate having to abdicate my voice to someone else but I need to get things done too. David is willing to go talk to Kevi with me and see if we can set up different line of communication besides Stan. I will do that tomorrow when David's schedule is a little looser. We have gathered the information that they do have a plan, it just needs to be formally submitted with the fees. We will see if Kevi is willing to do that this week so Busby can get started soon.

I think I am going to have to call the retrofit contractor myself and get them to remove all of the equipment they have been storing in my shop so we can get started on the floor and ADA work. Stan has damaged the relationship with them to the point they just walked away, leaving stuff half done and their equipment all over the place.

I just want the angry weird guy out of my life all together, so maybe this is a blessing in disguise? Maybe I can just wash my hands of Stan and get on to solving the problem? Maybe Kevi has other children who are capable and competent who can help out with the language barrier? We just have to find the work around. I know he is going to continue to try to block my opening, but maybe if we can find a way to ignore him and focus in a more positive direction things will start to fall into place.

I think that is the hardest part of all this. I really never believed that Stan was organized or interested enough to get the work done, and it always kind of bothered me that I had to abdicate control over something so important to someone so apathetic and unorganized... and that was BEFORE he started seething with hatred and anger. So maybe if David and I can help Kevi get the stuff done, I will feel a lot better? Maybe it is a blessing to let Stan off the hook as well, so he can have less stress and be happier? Better karma. Maybe his blow up is the catharsis everyone needed to move forward?

Anyway... I feel better after venting. I just need to be ME and find a plan and then implement it. I am not a shrinking violet. I am a bad ass and I can DO this.