Feeling conflicted and stymied...

I know I should feel grateful and zen about the possibility of getting the Compass Star Cafe funded in Feb, with basically a gift of tens of thousands of dollars. I keep telling myself that if it doesn't come together, it wasn't meant to be. But the space has been empty for at least a year, maybe more. And I know Stein is eager to be working again after quitting his last job at the end of last year. I just feel like I am asking too much of the universe to keep these key pieces in place if I can't make this happen SOONER!

And working with my Ex on the project is so stressful for both of us. I want information. He is not sure when he will be able to get the cash. I know he isn't being malicious; he just genuinely doesn't know. But there is something really unpleasant about the nefarious nature of it all. I have only recently realized how much he dislikes me. I am surprised at this... then surprised I am surprised... and then suprised at how upsetting it is to me to be disliked by someone I share so much history with, not to mention three children! I almost wish I'd never asked him about it so I could live in my ignorant happy world of "look at how well we are doing this divorce thing".

I could go forward with the SBA lender (that is what I would be doing if this other thing was not on the table). I finally have all of my ducks in a row... but I am having trouble justifying that when I can get the money gifted to me? But it doesn't seem fair somehow to my Ex. I must find a way to make the karma right. Something about having the money given to me doesn't feel right and I need to wrap my brain around it all.

I am antsy and listless, plus feeling some time pressure so I contacted US Foods this morning and made my appointment to go get that all set up. US Foods is one of the larger food and dry goods distributors. I will meet with them on Thursday in Martinez to set up my account. It is a pretty impressive vetting process! 7 pages long, one of which is just information about my resellers permit.

I also did the scariest thing ever today... on my Ex' suggestion I made an offer for the lease. They were asking $1800 a month for a 720 sqft space. The comps in the area are around $1 a square foot. So I offered $1000.00 a month on a three year lease, with the first year deferred. So in other words I would pay nothing the first year and then $1500.00 a month for the next two years.

Since the first year of being in business is the hardest, this lightens the burden of my monthly expenses. If I don't have to pay back an SBA loan (which would be about another $1000 a month) as well, I will be in GREAT shape for my first year as far as low overhead. I emailed the broker today and he said he would talk to the building owner about it and get back to me soon. I am kind of nervous about this! I am kind of asking for a super sweet deal. I was SO nervous asking for that, but I am pretty proud of myself that I went for it and just stated what I wanted. I am sure they will come back with something, and hopefully we can find a compromise. This is a big... kind of irrevocable step. It is really not very easy sometimes to go for what you want... in fact it is downright terrifying on occasion.

But I am ALSO one step closer to... well doing my thing!

This brings me to the concept of passion and why, trite and true, you hear over and over, "PASSION is what you need to succeed in this business". I have come to suspect that it is more that passion, like true love, inspires tenacity to go the distance.

What IS passion? Two clicks from insanity really.

My brain is flexing to add all of the new input of the past few days, and the next few (I say with some trepidation) could be equally exciting...